Of depression, losing a job and what’s next

I have not written for a very long time. Not the kind of writing you do on an everyday basis on social media or texting, the kind of writing where you sit down with your emotions and feelings and just write. I haven’t done this in a long time. I used to blog everyday. I don’t know where I lose that spark. It just disappeared. 

Recently, by no fault of my own, I lost my job. Something about the funding in the non-profit world reeling from the orange loser decision to create chaos somehow reached me and my job security. We lost the whole team to this.

4 months later I am still struggling to find a job.

Not that I want to talk or complain about not having a job. I believe financially and security-wise (housing etc) I am doing okay. It is just perhaps I feel lost.

I started reconnecting with my passion for cooking. I cook everyday but it was routine to just feed myself and my family but I haven’t really had the chance to try new recipes or just play around in the kitchen and be creative. So I tried baking again (if you know me, I never had the patience for baking or the technicalities that come with it). Surprisingly, I found myself finding the joy in making bread. So about twice a week now, I make bread. Sometimes it is the kind where Portuguese people called “Caseiro” and some days I make what they called “Pau Forma”. I have kinda mastered the techniques. I use my hands and the fold and stretch method - every 40 minutes for 3 rounds, you fold and stretch the dough to create the gluten and then you bake it.

I also on my journey to reach a “healthier” weight. I have since lost close to 60kg in one year. I also have an amazing coach who comes to my house and help me exercise 1-2 times a week. It feels good to get out of the house and relearn to regain my mobility. I just discovered yesterday that I can do my Asian squat again without any problem. Funnily, I discovered that I could do that at the Indian grocery story while scouring for the refills of my spices.

Life.

Despite all these, I still think I am struggling with episodes of depression and anxiety. Maybe it is just me being the highly-sensitive-person (a HSP), perhaps the uncertainty of what’s next, perhaps the state of the world we live in and witnessing the suffering of those in Palestine, in Sudan, in Iran and everywhere. I found myself waking up, doing my routine and then I found myself crying. For no reason. Just a sense of heaviness. It doesn’t help that Portugal has been having really terrible winters with a lot of storms. In fact, right now outside, it is gloomy because the dust from the Sahara is covering the sky. It is gloomy and the air feels heavy. Just like how my inside feel.

Anyhow, I don’t know where this writing is taking me but in the last 10 minutes of writing I can see a bit of sunlight peeking through the gloominess. Maybe there is hope. Scratch that, there is always hope. Things always get better. I just have to remind myself, this.

Life.

I hope you are all well. Please take care of you.
You matter.

I’ll write to you later again.

Love,
Rayyan